Here at Merry Jane Writes, we strive to create the best and most relevant content on the blogosphere. Our mission? We’re here to give you fresh, insightful commentary with a professional voice that is second to none. We pride ourselves for having competent correspondents that deliver interesting and groundbreaking stories that the public simply can’t do without. That’s why when our very own Dick Hertz appeared, foaming at the mouth, outside our headquarters at 3 am on a rainy night, we knew we had a great post on our hands.
After Hertz stumbled into the building and bellowed “I’ve got some content, if that’s what you bastards want,” he passed out in the kitchen. Before he came to several hours later, we checked his clothing for clues. Other than some arcade tokens and a package of Swisher Sweets, his pockets were empty. However, upon closer inspection, we noticed strange symbols branded on the back of his neck. What did they mean? After consulting linguistics expert Mack Morals, we came to a startling conclusion: the symbols spelled out “Motherfuckin’ Oracle.”
When the collapsed correspondent came to, he explained something shocking. Earlier that evening, he had a run-in with a religious cult deep in the woods of a local nature preserve. The cult members, unaware of Dick’s company, were gathered around a fire chanting in what Hertz called “some kind of cursed language.” Though he attempted to turn back when the cultists noticed his presence, several of the fanatics grabbed Dick, dragged him to the circle, and surrounded him. Though Dick called these events a “typical Wednesday night,” what happened next was unusual even by the self-proclaimed maniac’s standards.
Suddenly sweating, Dick stammered “They- they said they needed a new oracle.” When pressed for details, he continued: “The last time they got someone to communicate directly with their gods, he burst into flames like an onion volcano at a hibachi restaurant. They said that only a powerful homosexual would withstand the sheer power of the gods, and that I fit the bill. I think it was the shorts I was wearing. Anyway, two of the bigger guys grabbed me, picked me up, and threw me into the fire! The next thing I remember is waking up here.”
Just when we thought we hit a dead end with the cultist story, the symbols on Dick’s neck began to glow. Before I could ask if he knew what they meant, the correspondent’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. Falling to the floor, Dick began to convulse and shouted “THE END IS UPON US! HEAR MY PREMONITIONS!” Like any good friend, I grabbed my phone and began to record the mostly incoherent shouting that followed. After asking the seizing Hertz to “speak clearly and directly into the microphone,” he ceased his convulsions, smiled, and spoke in a tone you would expect from a reporter on the evening news: “This is your 2019 Armageddon Forecast. The Earth will succumb to one of 11 calamities and it is my duty to tell the people what I know, possibly in the form of a listicle.” This is that listicle.
1. The Earth could go through “your classic Biblical Armageddon.”
Biblical Armageddon is in any Armageddon Forecast worth its salt, and this forecast is no exception. According to both the Book of Revelation and Dick, the armies of God and the Satan will converge for an all-out war to decide the fate of the Earth, or something like that. We didn’t read the Bible, what do you want from us? Calling the war a “classic love story” between God and Satan, Hertz finds this option to be an unlikely but intriguing. According to some, virtuous members of the human race will be raptured before the events of Armageddon, but don’t get your hopes up. Our analytics suggest that the majority of our readers are furries, sexual deviants, and marijuana smokers- people who are almost certain to be left to their own devices during the end times. In the case of Biblical Armageddon, we recommend that you pick whichever side looks like it’s going to win, regardless of whatever wonky moral compass left you stranded on Earth in the first place.
2. “We got that volcanic ticking time bomb under Yellowstone National Park just waiting to pop.”
Located in northwestern Wyoming, the supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park is a threat that mankind seems to largely ignore. The last time this volcano erupted, 240 cubic miles of ash and dust were ejected into the sky, which is kind of a fucking lot if you ask me. While NASA believes it is possible to prevent the eruption by cooling the volcano’s magma chamber, Hertz doesn’t think we should count on it. When asked for further clarification on when we could expect life-ending volcanic activity, Hertz explained “That’s Mother Nature’s deal. She’ll let loose when she’s ready.”
3. “You got just the big old meteorite.”
According to our eccentric correspondent, a meteor could hurdle into Earth at any moment, catapulting us into global catastrophe and possibly an ice age. Calling this a “merciful option,” Dick clearly hopes that the meteorite will land directly on our headquarters, killing us both instantly. Hertz left this apocalyptic option vague, saying that the meteor is “actually a comet, but no comment.” What aren’t you telling us, Dick Hertz?
4. “Animal uprising led by the elephants. Spearheaded by the apes and porpoises. Can’t trust manatees.”
This option is pretty self-explanatory if you ask me. Hertz explained that “the animal uprising is one of [his] biggest fears,” as the “dolphins, elephants, and monkeys have been pushed around for too long.” Gazing into the distance, he added “God, I know they won’t even spare the children.”
5. “The Mass Lettuce Die-Off of 2025. A quarter of the world’s population will die of e-coli.”
Vegetable recalls have been a staple of modern life for years, particularly if you enjoy eating at Chipotle restaurants. This particular recall would come too late, as billions of humans would die of the foodborne illness before anyone would find the leafy cause. When asked about the cause of the Die-Off, Dick had a pretty clear answer: “Oh, that’s just human failure. Trump’s lift on FDA restrictions is a slippery slope to everyone shitting themselves to death.”
6. “Classic aliens watch a bit of our media and decide we just need to go.”
UFO’s have been spotted in North America since late 2014, and it’s clear that they aren’t here for vacation. After experiencing our social media and 24-hour news networks, the aliens will likely terminate Earth for the good of the galactic community. Though I personally hope that we will soon meet with a virtuous group of aliens, Hertz was less than optimistic: “If you were an alien flying by, you’d do the rest of the universe a solid and destroy Earth too.”
7. The Earth will succumb to “heat death/global warming.”
“This one is pretty obvious.” – Dick Hertz
8. “The simulation just gets turned off. Game over.”
Though we have no proof that Earth is simply a simulation on some sort of higher being’s MSI Dragon Gaming Computer, the rapid increase in simulation technology suggests that this reality is a possibility. I asked Dick why are benevolent creators would pull the plug and he answered almost immediately. “At this point I don’t see what useful information they could be gathering. They’re just finding out how racist and polluting billions of humans can be. Where is this data marketable? Doesn’t make any sense.”
9. The Earth could face the wrath of “the mole men/lizard people.”
The mole men and lizard people are a common specter withing our cultural imagination, and it’s time for them to strike. When asked which of the two abominations was more likely to attack first, Dick rubbed his chin in thought and said “I mean, they might as well work together. That’s what I would do.”
10. “By 2030, all babies are born with cancer because of microplastic that has poisoned the environment.”
While many believe that the poisoning of our environment by microplastics is an unintentional consequence of modern life, Dick has a different idea. When asked for details on the poisoning, he called it a “master plan designed by the glitter industry to kill us all,” adding that “this is clearly common sense.”
11. “Walt Disney comes back to life and pursues his master plan.”
“By 2050 everyone on Earth is under his mind control. He sets off on a cosmic conquest in a fleet of Star Wars Destroyers. Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos completes the Amazon Prime world next to ours and offers jobs and housing for anyone who wants to escape Disney’s clutches. Suddenly, Jeff Bezos pulls a curtain off the moon, killing anyone who will not bow down to him. Needing a home base, Walt Disney would save the Earth, and the war will continue.”