Folks, I’ve got a secret. A big secret. I’m gonna need your discretion on this one. My life is on the line here. People are after me. They’re after the secret. They’re on the hunt. They’re willing to kill. They’re willing to stop at nothing. I’m under immense pressure. Someone has to know the truth. What is the secret, you ask? I have a massive amount of treasure, and I’ve been sitting on it like a fool!

Not that kind of treasure. I’m talking about the greatest treasure of all: knowledge. Please don’t leave! This is the good shit! This is factual information! Facts, as the black market dealers call them! Pure and uncut! Better than walrus facts, just as good as any kilo of possum facts. What kind of facts am I talking about?

These are premium, Grade A facts about the early life of former American President Jimmy Carter.

You won’t get facts like this just anywhere. Even at the Fact Bodega, they only have cursory Jimmy Carter facts. They don’t have the good stuff like I do. They don’t care like I do. And now that I’ve locked all the doors and windows so that you can’t possibly escape, why not sit down, have some peanut ice cream, and let me tell you a thing or two about the early life of former President Jimmy Carter.

  • Jimmy Carter is my favorite modern president. The Bushes? Fuck the Bushes. Bill Clinton? Don’t ask, don’t tell me about this slimeball. Reagan? America’s sweetheart? You want to know what I think of Reagan? Every time I drive on the Ronald Reagan Turnpike I become violently ill. Obama? I could really drone on about this guy. Was this a fact? No, but I wanted you to know about my level of commitment to Jimmy Carter facts.
  • Jimmy Carter was born on October 1st, 1924. I didn’t have to look this fact up, as it is seared into my brain right where any and all mathematical skill used to be.
  • I once had a history teacher who liked to show us pictures of US presidents wearing dresses as babies. To carry on this time-honored tradition, I have obtained such a picture of Carter. It is magnificent.
  • Jimmy Carter grew up in a tiny town in Georgia called Archery, a place so small that it no longer exists. I mean, it exists, but only on old maps. It’s not like I used some kind of arcane magic to whisk the town away to be part of my own collection of Jimmy Carter memorabilia. It’s not that I didn’t try, it’s just that I couldn’t do it at my current skill level. 😦
  • Archery was located only a few miles from Plains, which is still standing. Plains is a small town with a population of only a few hundred people, and is where Carter spent much of his childhood. I went on a pilgrimage there earlier this year, and literally wept with joy several times. That’s not a joke. These are facts, people.
  • Jimmy Carter would wake up an hour before daylight to work on his father’s farm as a child. For comparison, I tend to wake up three hours after daylight to work on blog posts. Which life is more difficult? Hard to say.
  • The Carter family farm initially grew cotton as its main cash crop, but introduced peanuts into heavy rotation during the Great Depression. Carter considers peanuts to be “the crop with the greatest impact” on his life, especially because of the work of George Washington Carver. Incidentally, this fact is 100 percent wholesome.
  • The former president sold boiled peanuts in Plains as a five-year-old. Certain townspeople would make fun of Carter’s entrepreneurial spirit, and when Carter was president, he didn’t even renunciate their American citizenship. What a guy!
  • As a boy, Carter once attempted to ride a cantankerous goat, resulting in a large scar on his upper left thigh. This is a premium fact and deserves to stand on its own.
  • Young Jimmy Carter was deeply afraid of the geese on his father’s farm and would take longer paths just to avoid them. This is also how I deal with confronting strangers in public.
  • A lot of these facts have been very nice and folksy, but now I must present you with a extra special Horror Fact: Jimmy Carter would go barefoot on his boyhood farm from March until October. How he didn’t die of some horrible disease is likely an act of God that we will never fully understand.
  • Carter’s father taught him tennis as soon as he was old enough to hold the racket. Carter became the best tennis player in Plains High School, an accomplishment which probably ranks somewhere between the Camp David Accords and winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Well folks, it looks like my enemies are hot on my tail. Before I crawl out a window instead of using the front door, I invite you to tune in next time, when I will be covering Carter’s military life, governorship, and presidential campaign. In the meantime, I leave you with this quote.

“I am sure that there are few living Georgians who, in their lifetimes, have eaten more possum meat than I have.” – Jimmy Carter