When I was browsing Facebook this morning, I was blindsided. According to a local news source, a couple picnicking at Lake Alice in Gainesville, Florida was frightened when a large alligator appeared on the beach. After running straight for the spread of food, the alligator “annihilated an entire block of cheese,” destroyed a block of salami, washed it down with half a watermelon, and finished off its meal by devouring a large bowl of guacamole. After reading this story, I was in shock.
Was it because this was the very lake I used to walk by when I was in college? Was it because this could have easily happened to me or to one of my friends? Was it because my tolerance for insane bullshit from Florida is still low enough to allow for surprise when said insane bullshit comes to pass? No. It’s because this alligator committed a copycat crime. A copycat of MY crimes. That’s right folks. I’m willing to admit it for the sake of regaining my reputation. Over the years, I’ve been turning into an alligator for the sole purpose of eating guacamole. Have a gander at these totally true stories of my misdeeds, such as…
1. The time I first turned into an alligator at a music festival and ate all the guacamole at the VIP refreshment table.
I know what you’re thinking. “How does Jane even have the power to turn into an alligator?” If you must know, I gained the ability after eating some brown guacamole at a music festival. It was a folk festival, and people were doing a lot of drugs, but not me. I was there for the guacamole, whether it was brown or not. My friends told me the guacamole had gone bad, but I wasn’t ready to accept such a loss. About 30 minutes after eating the brown sludge, I simply turned into an 11 foot long alligator with an immense hunger for fresh guacamole. Remembering my kindergarten teacher’s advice to always be the best that I can be, I knew what I had to do. I climbed right through the crowds of totally-blasted festival attendees, most of whom were so high that they assumed I was a hallucination. I think one woman tried to pet me as I passed by her tent that was selling nitrous oxide balloons, but I didn’t mind. I wanted that guacamole, and after scaring away a security guard with a mighty roar, the treasure was mine. Thus began my never-ending quest for fresh guacamole to gulp down my toothy maw.
2. The time I interrupted a culturally insensitive Cinco De Mayo frat party.
There’s nothing a human with alligator DNA hates more than cultural appropriation. When I was passing by a frat house on my way to what definitely wasn’t the local smoke shop, I saw a poster that read “Celebrate Cinco De Drinko with Pi Kappa Alpha!” The frat house seemed to be having a large celebration for the Americanized holiday, and after getting in for free for the simple act of having breasts, I took a look around. Partygoers were wearing sombreros, fake mustaches, and ponchos. Many were speaking in bastardized and overly-accented Spanish. When I noticed the sizable selection of guacamole on the table, I was tempted, but not totally ready to go full alligator just yet. What really put me over the edge was when a white man in a MAGA hat asked if “building the wall” would stop parties like this from happening. Fed up with the racist shit I saw around me, I simply transformed into an alligator, let loose a mighty roar, and chased everyone out of the frat house. The guacamole selection would be mine, and by the time the police arrived, I would be gone. Am I condoning alligator-based guacamole-theft against racists? For legal purposes, I cannot say.
3. The time I entered a Whole Foods and disrupted a guacamole-themed cooking class.
I’ve always been a fan of Whole Foods, what with their free samples, environmentally unfriendly plastic packaging, and robust cheese section. So when I heard that they were hosting a guacamole-themed cooking class, I drove my little Toyota right to their doorstep. Why did I have to turn into an alligator to get some of that savory green paste? They said the class was “full” and that there weren’t any “spots left.” I can tell you now that this was a lie, as there was plenty of room in the cooking studio when everybody cowered in the corner. I suppose an 11-foot alligator will always be able to make room, when you think about it. Anyway, after eating every single bowl of freshly prepared organic guacamole in the room, I found a white woman with dreads and asked for a sip of her kombucha to wash down the Aztec delight. She screamed and threw the bottle at me, which I thought was very rude. People just don’t have manners these days.
4. The time I turned into an alligator in the privacy of my own home.
Everyone knows that it’s against the Geneva Convention to steal your roommate’s guacamole. But sometimes, you have to break the rules to get what you want in life. After a long day of binge watching Strangers with Candy, I was delighted to discover that my roommate left some guacamole in the fridge. It was clearly labeled as hers, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to eat every single spoonful. Worried that my roommate would find my fingerprints on the bowl, I simply transformed into an alligator and ate the guacamole and the bowl all in one bite. When my roommate got home, I explained that an alligator was the culprit and that there was nothing I could do. Did she believe me? Absolutely. This is Florida, after all.
5. The time I interrupted a straight couple’s picnic at a different Gainesville location.
One thing about this alligator story in the news is really getting under my skin. Weeks before this alligator stole my thunder, I had already interrupted a straight couple’s picnic in Gainesville! This couple was having lunch at the La Chua trail, a favorite bird-watching location of mine. Though I didn’t plan on eating guac that day, I’ll never say no to an opportunity that presents itself. And oh boy, did it present itself. When I came upon the PDA-expressing straight couple and their guacamole bowl, I knew it was time to strike.
(I will forgive this other alligator for copying my crime, as it may have simply been expressing its support for Pride Month by terrifying a straight couple. Any well-to-do alligator would never eat a same-sex couple’s guacamole. They already go through so much, you see. (Note: For God’s sake, it’s a joke, don’t be mad, straight people are mostly fine))
6. The time we had lunch at a local summer camp.
While volunteering at a summer camp last year, I learned two things: I’m not good with kids and I am good with lunch. As a volunteer this year, I was entitled to free lunch every day, with items like potato salad, vegan burgers, and tacos on the menu. When I heard about the tacos, I rushed to the serving table to find out if guacamole would be included in the taco topping ensemble. It was, but there was a problem: the kids were eating all the goddamn guacamole! Thinking fast, I decided to turn into an alligator to clear the room. This move initially backfired, as one of the larger children immediately attempted to ride me like a horse. When I explained that I just wanted the guacamole, the camp’s director rolled her eyes and nonchalantly threw the dish into my mouth. I guess an 11-foot alligator with a hunger for guacamole isn’t out of the ordinary at this camp.
7. The time I threw an alligator-based fit because “guac is extra” at Chipotle.
When I went to that Chipotle, I wasn’t thinking of turning into an alligator. After thinking about all the people I traumatized, I decided that I would give up transforming into a guacamole-eatin’ gator. I was at this particular Chipotle for a date with a man who talked about Magic the Gathering too much, so I expected things to be relatively uneventful. That all changed when the Chipotle worker informed me that the guac in my burrito bowl would cost extra. Immediately sent into a fit of rage, I transformed into a gator, leaped over the plexiglass divider, and ate the entire trough of guacamole. As my date and other customers fled the restaurant in absolute terror, I wondered if I had done the wrong thing. It’s just so hard to control yourself when you’re an ancient reptile with a hunger for avocado based foods. What? You say there’s such a thing as avocado toast? Could you write down a few locations of where it’s served?